The Dumb Stuff I’m Gonna Do Today (you?)
Costco, because Costco on the weekends is just stupid. And they’ve given me a gift certificate from my executive level membership and I need to spend that fucker. Before I lose it. You know what happens when you lose it? Nothing.
Spend time on hold, waiting for the Texas Attorney General’s Child Support Division to pick up my call. “We’re experiencing longer than average hold times due to an unexpectedly high call volume.” Um, yeah, if it’s always “unexpected” it’s expected. I often wonder, when I’m calling in to the child support enforcement division, if non-custodial parents have longer hold times than custodial parents. Have you ever wondered that? No? Must mean you are either a woman or still married.
I’m not here to apologize for these words. I’m not even here, actually, I’m sitting on a wooden bench in my front lawn watching nothing happen with drizzle beginning to tap my fingers to let me know it’s best to go back inside.
Spend time writing. Trim my pesky nose hairs. Move some shit from my storage unit with help from a Tasker. (That’s Rabbit speak.) Wait for Easter to save me. Call my daughter. Text my son. Curse my ex-wife. Pet several dogs who are freeloading at my house. Charge up their wifi perimeter collars so they can roam the back 40 freely.
At some point, I’m going to do some work that I get paid for. I’m a “cloud pilot” by day job.
And, like most working-class Americans, I’m gonna fuck way off this evening. I’ve got plans for that too, but I’m not at liberty to discuss it.
*image: my tasker is prepared for the errand
more Short-Short Stories from John.