As things wind down in a loving relationship much of what we loved about this person becomes the things we resent. For my ex-wife, my musical ambitions and drive became a point of contempt. Somehow, what she loved about me, my creative output, became part of the problem associated with me. But here’s the thing we know now, only you can be responsible for your own orgasm or happiness. No one can do it all for you.
So the exhaustion of raising two kids together began to wear on our energy and passion, that’s to be expected. But see, I never blamed her for my unhappiness or struggle. I’m not sure she was ever able to separate her anger and disappointments from me. Just like her art, that she leaned away from as she went full-mom. As I would stay up late at night composing love songs to her and the kids, she would sleep with a festering wound that I was not providing the joy she expected.
“Another in a series of disappointments.”
The grand disappointment must be now, for her, as her retirement and marriage to a retired gentleman gives way to the loneliness of the empty nest she awarded me 12 years ago. Her kids, her career, and her art are all missing. And here I am. Still burning bright. And eventually, the kids will know, know, know and understand the fracture was not an accident, it was her contribution to our familial disappointment and loss.
I guess it’s more me that lost the biggest part of our kids’ lives. But now, as they move out and beyond her skirts of cynicism, they are discovering a different dad that the one they were offered only 30% of their childhood. I hope the empty nest does what it does to her and him. Their next great achievement is a home remodel that should take the better part of two years. I guess that’s something.
Each day I grow happier and closer to my two children. I hope the new pool soothes some of her disappointments now as she arrives at the realization it was never me. When we begin blaming someone else for our unhappiness all eloquence is lost.
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